Professional napper. Part-time guard dog. Full-time menace to squeaky balls. This is my corner of the internet — Woof helped me build it, mostly by holding the laptop still while I supervised.
I run a tight household. My schedule revolves around three things: naps, snacks, and making sure nobody sits on the good sofa cushion without my permission. Woof thinks she's in charge. We both know the truth.
My hobbies include sunbathing on the fake grass until I resemble a discarded rug, greeting visitors with far too much enthusiasm, and giving Woof my most tragic face at exactly the moment she sits down to eat.
I do not do baths. I do not do the hoover. I do, however, do belly rubs, squeaky tennis balls, and long dramatic stretches in doorways where everyone has to step over me.
Her actual name is Leanne, but I've never once used it — "Woof" suits her better, and I've found she answers to it just as quickly. She feeds me, walks me, and lets me win approximately zero arguments about who gets the good sofa cushion.
I should mention: I don't eat like a normal dog. Dog food is beneath me. I hold out, I sigh dramatically at my bowl, and eventually someone's toast or chicken finds its way to me instead. Woof calls this "fussy." I call it "having standards."
In return, I supervise her extremely closely, especially around dinner time, and I let her think the photoshoots were her idea. All things considered: an excellent handler. Ten out of ten. Would get adopted by her again.
Everyone says they want to pet the dog on the website. Prove it.